Parenting: Shyruni's Thoughts

Hey everybody, and happy 4th of July!   Today is the day we celebrate the freedom our country possesses, and how we obtained this freedom.  So, honoring today, I'm going to write a ridiculously long rant about how all children should have absolute freedom under their parents and never listen to a word they say.  Haha, I'm just kidding.

However, today I am going to talk about parenting, and I have a few reasons for doing so.  Over the last while, I've had lots of complaints from friends about their parents, but not "they won't let me do that" or "they didn't let me get that" or any sort of whining.  In fact, most of what I've heard recently is about parents yelling at their children, discouraging their children, mentally abusing their children, and sometimes just ignoring them entirely, most of them being so called "Christian" families.

Now, nothing I say today is something you have to listen to.  I'm not prophet, and while some think I'm wise, I certainly don't believe I know everything.  I will not be laying down any names, nor will I be blaming any.  These are some of my "opinions" on parenting, some that I believe would be good to cover.  Yes, I'm no parent, but I believe that a child's input on parenting is certainly not something to completely overlook.  Anyways, here we go.

1. "Because"

One of the most common complaints of children is when parents avoid a question.  They ask "why", or "why not", and the parent answers "because I said so", or just plain "because".  Before you parents freak out, I am not saying that there aren't reasons for those responses.  Children are still maturing, and generally don't have a full grasp of the world around them, so quite often you'll have reasons that you won't be able to explain to your children, or shouldn't explain to them.  I understand that completely, those instances make perfect sense to me.

What I am here to criticize is the consistent use of it.  One way of phrasing it is simply "It's not the use of it that's the problem, it's the abuse of it that's the problem".  As a parent you have tremendous power, whether you believe it or not.  Generally, no matter how rebellious the child is, the child desires to be looked proudly upon by their parents, and while they may not honor it entirely, generally they do honor your position at least somewhat, and that "somewhat" is a huge amount of power if you think about it.

Fact is, as a parent, it's probably tempting to use that phrase quite a bit.  Any time your child disagrees with you is obviously obnoxious, so it's very easy to say something like that to simply end the conversation.  While it is sometimes necessary, the constant use of it is VERY dangerous.  The overuse is what I believe to be one the greatest ways in which children lose respect for their parents.  As children grow up, they'll want to hear reasons for the disapproval, which is why they will ask "why" or "why not".  If you continue to use it, they could easily begin to wonder if you actually HAVE any reasoning in those situations, and can result in distrust and/or further rebellion.  Sometimes it can even result in depression, as the child begins to wonder if you trust them or not.

Even though you might not think you do it that much, make sure to check on yourself and think back.  As being the result of power, using it is a temptation, and temptation is not an easy thing to sway.  It is just as easy to say to your younger siblings, your employees, or any one of a lower position, and can just as easily become an issue.  Just be wary of it.

2. Your Opinions

Opinions.   We all have them, and since you've lived quite a long time, I imagine you have quite a few of your own.  Our opinions and beliefs affect the way we think, what we do, and so much more.  Sometimes, quite often actually, it even affects other people...including your children.

Once again, before you freak out at me, trying to raise your children up with your opinions isn't exactly a bad thing, and sometimes even the enforcement of them is necessary.  However, be very careful with that mindset.  Remember that opinions are yours.  Yes, you are their parents, but your opinions are your creations, and thus you have no right to enforce them upon your children.  It may be beneficial in certain circumstances, but you don't have a "God-given right" to simply raise all your children under your opinions and your opinions alone.

Say, for example, your child has obtained a love for pop music.  However, you as a parent have quite the distaste for pop music.  What can result is the parent continually harassing it, getting mad at your for doing it, and sometimes, not allowing it at all.  This is another very dangerous habit, as it can easily make your child lose their opinion of you entirely, or go into depression, grow a hate for you, or many other negative possibilities.  Yes, there's nothing wrong with kindly asking your children to take your opinions into consideration, and sometimes the enforcement is good...but it isn't always.  Just be cautious of your use of it.

3. God-given right

This is not exactly an opinion, but a quick response against a complaint that could possibly happen.  Simply, the bible verse that states you must obey your parents.  I am NOT saying that it is okay to disobey your parents at any given moment.  I do agree with that bible verse, and do believe that even if it seems wrong, it is our duty as Christian children to follow their orders.

What it DOESN'T mean, is that whatever decision you make as a parent is right.  Yes, you are probably more mature than your children, and often more intelligent, THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.  Yes, your children should obey you.  But then if you think about it, that means that your children, who are less mature and intelligent than you, are doing the right thing while you are doing the wrong thing.  Yeah, that's pretty bad.  Anyways, moving on.

4. Punishment

Children do things they shouldn't, as all human beings do, as all should expect.  No one's perfect, especially not children.  In those cases, you often punish your children for their disobedience, and hope they learn a lesson for it.    And no, I am not going to say that I believe that punishment is wrong.

What I believe is that ONLY punishment is wrong.  While children need to be disciplined, they also need to be EQUALLY rewarded for their obedience and for accomplishments.  This is something I think is VERY absent these days, especially in our quite pessimistic culture.   We tend to focus on the negative more than the positive, and in parenting that is a VERY BAD THING.

There are so many possible negative results from this, I almost feel like not listing them.  Rebellion, for one.  After all, who wants to listen to someone that only nags at them most of the time?  Anger is another possibility, which has multiple other bad results it can cause.  Your children can become afraid of you, and not want to talk to you at all.  Frustration, sadness, hurt, etc, etc, etc...

However, this specific problem is something I believe is possibly the greatest cause of one of the most common issues among our culture today...depression.  Yes, depression.  You, as their parent, are generally one of the people your children will try to impress the most.  You have fed them, taken care of them, and tutored them, so they greatly expect your opinion.  So if all you do is nag at them, their self-opinion can take quite a dive...sometimes fatally so.   I believe that this parenting issue is probably involved in most suicide incidents.  In other words, this is no laughing matter.  Don't spoil your kids rotten, but don't only look at their negative side either.

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And that is all I have for today.  Once again, these are simply my opinions, and I as a Christian have no right to enforce anything upon you.  What I have given you is simply things I would encourage you to consider throughout your day.  Am I doing one of these things more than I realize?  Is one of these issues apparent in my family?  Is this an issue that needs to get looked at?  Just a few things to think about.  Thank you, and have a wonderful day.